‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge Day #5- Take Some Action

Photo Credit: Chloe Brotheridge

It’s day #5, the final day of the challenge, and for today’s exercise, I had to challenge myself to do something that is out of my comfort zone.

My anxiety has been all over the place in recent months, which has played a massive part in and, consequently, led up to this current relapse, and I think that a big chunk of that anxiety has come from my complacency to stay comfortable. It is so easy to just stay in your comfort zone, by avoiding doing anything that might trigger your anxiety, because your anxiety convinces you that you won’t cope and it’s much safer to stick to your lane, which in turn, makes your anxiety even worse. It becomes a vicious cycle, where you end up constantly playing it safe and for me, staying inside and hiding myself away from the outside world.

I have completed a similar exposure task during my time in therapy, that I will talk more in depth about a bit further down in this post, but it proved to be really effective in growing my confidence and drastically reducing my anxiety, so I am quite excited about being more proactive again and taking some steps to get this anxiety back under my control.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Because once you do it, you realise you could actually cope with and survive this thing the whole time, that you are stronger and more capable than your fear has led you to believe.

‘Make a list of 5-10 possible things you could do to challenge yourself to move out of your comfort zone.’

• Go to a salon and get my hair cut
• Book myself some driving lessons again
• Sit and have a pot of (decaf!) tea, by myself, in a local cafe
• Start swimming weekly
• Attend one of the mindfulness/stress control course blocks by myself
• Arrange the planned meet up with my Twitter friend
• Organise the catch up with one of my old work colleagues

‘Which one are you moving forward with?’

As I am currently signed off work, I have decided that I’m going to give myself the ultimate challenge and have a go at the first 5 ranked tasks, over the next few weeks.

During my time in therapy, one of the exercises I was given as homework, was to create and start working through an ‘exposure to anxiety’ ladder, as I was really struggling to go out by myself, particularly to busy public places and using public transport. For this exercise, I had to write out all the things that make me really anxious (a bit like the first part of this challenge) and then rank them in order, from the one that causes the least anxiety to the most. This then became my ladder. I started at the first rung, kept facing that fear, until it didn’t make me anxious anymore, before moving onto my next rung and doing the same thing. I had to keep climbing up in this way, through each of the rungs, until I reached the top of the ladder. This was a massive challenge to work through, as I had a good 12-14 steps on mine, so obviously, I didn’t manage to reach the top of my ladder, before I finished therapy. During that time though, I had my therapist to hold me to account, to ensure I kept up with my exposure work; however, once these sessions finished, I continued with it for a little while, but with only myself making me do each step, you can probably guess what happened: I never made it to the top of that ladder.

I did manage to climb pretty high up my ladder, even making it to get my haircut (yes, this is still a massive source of anxiety for me!), but I always wish I’d just pushed through and made it to the top. So, I’m going to turn this challenge into a similar exercise, by putting each mini-challenge in anxiety-inducing order and then start working through each of the first 5 tasks on my new ladder. This means I will be leaving my haircut and driving lessons for a later date, when I’m less anxiety-riddled and feeling a bit more confident.

‘What exactly will you do?’ ‘Who will hold you accountable?’

1. Sit and have a pot of (decaf!) tea, by myself, in a local cafe

This is, unfortunately, another step that was on my previous ladder, but one that I also did manage to complete last time. It did feel pretty horrible to begin with, especially as my therapist told me I had to sit there without using any of my crutches (eg. book, phone, headphones, etc), but it became less scary with each visit I made.

There’s not a lot I can do to prepare for this one, except to dedicate a specific time/date, google some local cafes that will be open and tell someone else my plan. Therefore, I am going to visit ‘The Shed’ in Porth on Monday (2/3) afternoon and I will let my boyfriend know, so he can hold me to my word!

2. Organise the catch up with one of my old work colleagues

An old work friend recently got in touch, in response to a post on my Instagram stories, where I opened up about my anxiety. I said to her that if she’s still in or around the Cardiff area, it would be nice to meet up for a coffee or something, but in true Sophie style, I never replied back to her message (messaging people is always the very first thing to fly out the window when I start struggling again).

So, I am *finally* going to message her back and arrange a date, time and place to meet for a catch up. Hopefully can sort something in the next couple of weeks, but it will be Aimee holding me accountable on this one (not that she knows that yet!) as I will be letting her down if I cancel the plans!

3. Arrange the planned meet up with my Twitter friend

A couple of weeks back, I posted on Twitter about how I was in desperate need of a haircut, but that even the thought of the whole salon experience, filled me with absolute fear. Cue one of my lovely followers, suggesting a mindful salon and even offering to go with me! It’s was slightly too big a step for me, to go and get my haircut with someone I’d only ever interacted with via Twitter. So I messaged her privately and asked whether she would like to meet for a coffee first.

Fast forward two weeks….and I still haven’t arranged this meet up (starting to see the common theme here?). I have now, however, just messaged to see if she is free at all next Wednesday (4/3), so once I hear back, we can sort a time and place and the plan will finally be in motion! Emma will hold me to account on this occasion, as again, I will be letting her down if I cancel.

4. Start swimming weekly

When I was living back home, before university, my daddy used to take my younger brother, sister and I swimming, every weekend, and I absolutely loved those weekly trips to the pool. I’ve never really been into exercising or sports, but I’ve always enjoyed swimming, as I love being in, or near, water. As my doctor has recently instructed me to start doing some exercise again, as a way to help release some endorphins and improve my mood, my immediate thought was to get back into swimming.

This is pretty daunting though, as I haven’t done any proper, regular exercise in a couple of years, so I am slightly worried about people seeing how unfit I am in such a public setting, and I also have some scars that I’m slightly embarrasssed about being on show. This will be completely out of my comfort zone- perfect for this challenge!

I have just downloaded the leisure centre’s timetable, to check the pool times for public swimming, and have decided that each week, I’m going to swim on a Thursday from 2:30pm for 30 minutes-1 hour. I’m going to tell my mum this plan as well, as I video chat with her and my little niece every Thursday morning, so she can remind and motivate me to go and then message later, to check that I’ve actually been. All I need to do now is dig out my swimming costume from hiding (or maybe buy a nice new one haha)!

5. Attend one of the mindfulness/stress control course blocks by myself

Both my doctor and mental health support worker also suggested I try out the mindfulness and/or stress control courses, set up by the charity, ‘Valleys Steps’. Each course runs for 6 weeks, with each individual session taking place on the same day, at the same time and location each week, and is completely free!

I’ve browsed the Valleys Steps website to see if one of these courses will be starting soon, at a location near me, and have found that the ‘Stress Control’ course will be starting its 6 week run on 6th March, at my local library. Unfortunately, you can’t sign up to these courses, so I will have to give my partner the details of the course and every Friday, I can message him to let him know that I attended the session.

I’d love to know what challenges you would set yourself, to push you outside your comfort zone, so drop your ideas in the comments below!

Keep your eyes peeled over the next couple of weeks, for my blog updates on this ultimate anxiety challenge! I guess I will now be accountable to all of you as well, to make sure I keep up with these tasks and keep you updated you on my progress…

‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge Day #4- Turn Self-Criticism into Self-Compassion

Photo Credit: Chloe Brotheridge

Yesterday’s challenge was a really tricky one to complete, as I struggled to even get past the first part of the exercise, where I had to write down everything my inner critic said to me throughout the day. It really started to get to me, because once I started listening to her, I was so tuned into that brainwave frequency, I became stuck in my own head and ended up completely spiralling. I became so bogged down in everything she was telling me, it became almost impossible to shut her up and I even started to really believe some of things she was saying (I don’t think it helped that I woke up in a pretty bad headspace this morning, so she was already pretty vocal from the word go!) Once you get drawn in by that inner critical voice, it becomes so incredibly hard to shut them back out again.

So, I ended up in a very messy puddle of tears on the sofa for most of the afternoon, but eventually, I managed to get my butt upstairs and into the shower, whacking my Disney playlist on full blast to drown her out for a bit. Although singing and dancing my little heart out really helped to perk me up and washing away some of those thoughts/feelings made me feel a bit fresher, I decided that I needed to take a step back from the challenge for my own sanity, which is why I’m a day late in posting this, as I just could not gain the right perspective yesterday to complete the second part of the challenge- to write back to that inner critic as if it were a good friend talking to you.

In her email, Chloe relays the significance of our inner monologue and how it can really impact on our mood, motivation, activity and self-esteem:

“How we speak to ourselves has so much importance in our lives:

It’s the difference between holding ourselves back because of fear, or giving things a try.

Between giving up if we’ve failed, or getting up and giving it another go.

Between staying at home because we don’t feel worthy, and going out with our head held high.

Being self-compassionate gives you the motivation to do the things that you want to do. It means you recover more quickly from setbacks. And it gives you a kind of ease that means you can truly be yourself.

Self compassion allows you to do more and have more fun doing it – because when you’re kind to yourself, life is easier and happier.”

I feel that this is best summed up with one of my favourite quotes, by the very wise Roald Dahl, from his book ‘The Twits’: “If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” This doesn’t just mean having good thoughts about others- it’s referring to being kind about yourself as well. It shows that if you can be more self-compassionate and make that inner voice more positive about yourself, all that beauty inside you will be radiated out and be visible in the way you present/hold yourself, in your activity, your motivation, your expression, etc. This positive mindset therefore manifests a lighter, brighter, happier, more self-assured version of yourself, making you more relaxed and allowing yourself to be, unashamedly and unapologetically, YOU!

‘Write down everything that the inner critic says to you today.’

1. Literally as soon as I woke this morning- ‘It’s already half 10 and you’re still not out of bed! You’re so lazy, how do you expect to get better, when you waste half the day in bed!? You’re not going to get anything done today now.’
2. ‘It’s so nice outside today and you’re just going to waste it away in here!? You should be enjoying the sunshine instead of just sitting here, moping around all day, you really are so lazy.’
3. Then literally in the next breath- ‘Wait, you’re actually thinking of going outside? Really, are you that stupid? You won’t cope out there, everyone will be looking at you and know something’s wrong with you.’
4. ‘What is wrong with you? What are you actually crying about? You’re fucking crazy! There’s no reason for you to be feeling like this, just snap out of it. You’re pathetic.’
5. ‘There are so many people worse off than you- do you even realise how good you’ve got things and how privileged you actually are!? You are a complete fraud and don’t deserve any help or support.’
6. ‘I don’t know how Rob (my boyfriend) puts up with you. You are so selfish, causing all this extra stress and worry for him, on top of his own problems. You don’t deserve him, you’re not and never will be good enough for him. You are just such a burden.’
7. ‘No one gives a shit about you, how could they? Just look at you! You’re disgusting and worthless. How could anyone possibly love you when you’re like this?’
8. ‘You are a complete failure, you can’t even finish this challenge without falling to pieces!’

This list isn’t even half the abuse my inner monologue was hurling at me yesterday, but as I said previously, I had to take a step back from the challenge for my own mental wellbeing, as I had spiralled down into my dark place and the intrusive thoughts were starting to kick in.

‘Now, write back to the inner critic from the perspective of a good friend. What would a good friend say about this? How would they support, reassure and encourage you?

I’m really glad that I decided to start drafting this post yesterday and came back to type up all those thoughts that my inner critic had about me, last night. It’s meant that I’ve been able to sit down this morning and just tell myself, ‘you’ve just been sent these messages from your best friend, who says she’s been having these thoughts about herself lately. What do you reply back?’, which has miraculously, actually worked. It’s allowed me to distance myself from my own thoughts enough, that I haven’t become weighed down by their negativity, and so have been able to get some perspective on them. I know this isn’t quite what the challenge asked me to do, but it’s the only way I’ve been able to complete it this time around (and at least I have completed it!). Hopefully though, with lots of practice, I will get better at being able to put my thoughts through the friend filter, as soon as they pop into my head, to stop them in their tracks and from taking complete control.

1. It’s ok to have lie ins from time to time, especially as you’re not sleeping well at the moment with the changes to your medication- this does not make you lazy! You had a very restless night, so you obviously needed that sleep to recuperate. You were listening to your body and giving it what it needed.
2. Getting some fresh air and sunshine might help to pick your mood up a little bit, even if that’s just to sit outside in the garden for 10 minutes, but if that feels too much for you today, then you don’t need to do it. It is not a waste of your day to spend it inside- we all need to take a day from time to time for our mental wellbeing. Everyday, our best can look completely different, so just think about how many spoons you have for today and whether you have enough to spend on the energy it would take to go outside. If not, then it’s better to be resting to restock your supply, ready to use for next week’s plans. Plus, you’ve already been out the house and interacting with others everyday this week, and you’ve video-chatted with your little niece, mum and dad this morning, so you definitely deserve a rest day.
3. People aren’t mind-readers, they definitely cannot see into your head, and they are so wrapped up in what they need to do that, in the nicest way possible, they probably won’t even notice you’re there (in the good way haha!). Think about times you’ve been out in busy places before- have you been looking at other people? Did you know what they’re thinking/feeling? No, because you’re too busy with your own thoughts, feelings, to do list, etc. It’s the same for everybody else. Just take some deep breaths and repeat your mantra, ‘You are calm. You are capable. You are confident. You can do this.’
4. There is nothing wrong you. Sometimes, we might feel a certain way but can’t quite put our finger on why and that’s ok, your feelings are still completely valid. You’re not pathetic for crying- it’s a normal human emotion and everybody does it! It can be really cathartic to have a good old cry, as it helps to release all that pent up emotion and get rid of all those horrible feelings. The more you fight it and berate yourself for feeling this way, the worse it will become, so as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to try and accept those feelings, allow yourself to feel them and just sit with them for a while; you’ll find that they will pass a lot quicker this way.
5. You were medically diagnosed with anxiety and depression by your doctor and you’ve just seen a mental health professional, who is signposting you on for further support and to see a psychiatrist, none of which would have happened, if they didn’t believe you were showing symptoms of these mental illnesses. You are not a fraud, you have an illness, and you do not need to compare yourself to others. Mental illness affects people from all walks of life and everyone you meet will be at different points in their journey, so it’s very difficult to play the comparison game, when everyone’s experience is different. Think, if this was a physical illness and you had stage 1 cancer, you would still expect to receive treatment for it, the same as someone who has stage 4. Just because it might seem like someone has it worse than you, does not negate or discount your own pain; you are still worthy of help and entitled to get that support.
6. You are always enough, just as you are. He chose to be with you, because he loves you and wants to be with you, just as you are. He might be stressed as well at the moment, but he would want you to be open with him, so that he can be there to help support you through this tough patch. That’s not being selfish- you’re simply unwell and need some support to get you through it, and that’s what a partner is there to do, for better or worse. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you feel this way about Rob? Would he be a burden to you? Would he be unworthy of your love and support? That resounding and resolute ‘no’ is exactly the same for you.
7. You have so many people in your life who love and care about you. You have received so much love, support and kindness from family, friends and colleagues, who have all sent you their best wishes in your recovery. They are all thinking of you, as they keep checking in with you, to make sure you’re doing ok. You are cared for, loved and worthy of being cared for and loved, no matter what.
8. One setback doesn’t equate to you being a failure- your worth isn’t measured by what you achieve or are able to do. And just because you haven’t been able to complete something straightaway, doesn’t mean you have failed it. You have given the challenge a go and tried your absolute hardest for today, which is all that can be asked of you. You are human and allowed to make mistakes and have setbacks- that’s how we learn and improve for next time. The more these thoughts go unchecked, the more likely they are to take hold and have control over you, but now you know this is something you find challenging, it’s also something you can change. You now have a strategy to work on, that can help you to bounce back quicker and more easily from these challenges in future, and to improve your resilience and self-confidence. Be gentle with yourself, you’re still learning and growing on your recovery journey.

‘How do you feel having done this process?’

Looking back on my thoughts this morning, I was actually really shocked at how vile I am to myself and the sheer number of these thoughts I’m having each day. It’s quite scary, as they are on complete autopilot, so she is constantly there, in the background of my mind, hurling this abuse at me. As I tend to just try to ignore her or distract myself to drown out the noise, nobody’s actually pulling her up on what she’s saying, so all these negative thoughts I have about myself, are going unchecked. Some days, this voice is a lot louder than others and so, on these days, the thoughts take hold more easily and completely affect my mood, motivation and activity. Also, I find I have a problem with confronting these thoughts, as my inner critic is a massive backchatter, meaning I start having an argument with my own mind. She easily wins these every time, as she is always able to shoot down or find a reason for my comebacks, disarming me and convincing me round to her way of thinking. It is nigh on impossible to rationalise these thoughts, so it becomes a constant battle- and it is absolutely exhausting.

I always wish that I could actually practise what I preach and show myself the same kindness I so willingly and easily give to others. I wouldn’t ever dream of saying these things to anyone else, so why do I think it’s acceptable to speak to myself this way? Although I really struggled with this process of using the ‘friend filter’ in the moment, it has shone a light on how big a problem this negative self-talk is for me and it really needs to change, if I am ever going to attain that calm, confident and self-assured future version of myself, that I imagined back on day 2 of this challenge.

As with all bad habits, it is going to take some time and effort to break out of these old thinking patterns, but I now have a strategy I can work to improve on, that will help deal with this problem. I’m hoping that with lots of practice, viewing my inner critic through the eyes of a good friend will become a natural, automatic response to these thoughts, stopping them from taking control of me and changing the way in which I perceive myself. I’m hoping that with lots of practice, I can start to turn that self-criticism into self-compassion and learn to love myself a little bit more.

What would you say back to your inner critic? Do you put your thoughts through the friend filter? What other techniques do you find help quiet that noise in your head?

‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge Day #3- Recognise Your Resilience

Photo Credit: Chloe Brotheridge

Today’s challenge is all about recognising times in my life where I’ve used or shown resilience. In this activity, I have to try and think of as many examples as I can to answer the following questions set by Chloe:

• When have you surprised yourself?
• In what ways have you bounced back from a difficulty?
• What challenges have you overcome?
• When have you been resourceful?

If I’m completely honest, as soon as I read the email this morning, I was absolutely dreading completing this exercise. These kinds of questions have always seemed really daunting to me, as personally, I feel resilience is something that I really struggle with at times and as I stared at this email, I started thinking, ‘I’m not going to be able to come up with any examples for any of these!’ So I took to the Facebook group- specifically set up for this course and whose members are participating in the challenge- and sifted through the responses that people had already posted to this challenge, for inspiration. As I was reading through, I realised that I was experiencing the same automatic negative thoughts about these type of questions as I did back when I was in therapy, and once I actually sat down to properly think about each question for myself, I was really shocked at how many examples I could come up with for each one.

‘When have you surprised yourself?’

Well, firstly, today with this challenge haha! I hate answering these kinds of questions as I always think I’ll struggle to come with any answers for them, but I was really pleasantly surprised at just how many times in my life I have overcome difficulties and actually shown resilience.

When you’re on the road to recovery from or trying to manage a mental illness, you often need to stop, take stock of where you currently are and where you want to be, and reflect on the progress you’ve made so far. This is especially important in the early stages, where you’re taking such micro-steps, that it’s often really difficult to recognise the progress you’re making. It’s only once you look back, that you realise just how far you’ve actually come, so I’ve surprised myself a lot over the last couple of years in particular, since my diagnosis, of how much progress I’ve made at each point of reflection. Considering at my lowest, I was pretty much housebound by my anxiety, unemployed and had to move back into my parents’ house, and now, 2 years on, I’m living 180 miles away from my family again after moving in with my boyfriend, and back to working full time, having to travel on packed, peak time trains to get there and back everyday, I don’t think I’ve done too badly!

Halfway through my second year at university, I realised that I wasn’t happy with the course I’d chosen to do, so instead of just pushing through, sucking it up and being unhappy for the next 2 years, I decided to make a change and switched over to a dual language course, dropping the business side. I’d always been so sure about what I wanted to do in life, so this did knock me a bit, but I really surprised myself that I was able to notice I hadn’t made the right decision and actually make the change, as difficult as it was financially and personally for me (it extended my studies to 6 years in total, so I wasn’t covered for one of the years by Student Finance).

In 2013, I packed up my life and moved to France for my year abroad, as part of my university degree. This was a really big change and culture shock, and the furthest I’d ever lived away from home, so I was understandably really anxious about making this move. I chose to do a study rather than work placement for mine, so I studied for the academic year at Caen University. All my lectures were in French and, due to their timetabling policies and restrictions, I ended up having to take modules like Philosophy and Anthropology to make up my credits for the year. I didn’t even know much about these subjects in English, let alone in French, but I managed to achieve a 2:1 for the whole year abroad. I also struggled quite a bit while I was in France, making it a very difficult year not just academically speaking, so I surprised myself that I’d managed to both pass and even survive it, as it was very tricky sticking the year out in the end.

Exactly 2 years ago to the day (very strange coincidence!), I made the very difficult decision to end my relationship and move back home. We’d been together almost 5 years, living together for 4 of those, and were engaged, with the wedding venue booked and date set. Although I felt very differently at the time, once I reflected back on it when I was a bit further into my recovery journey, I realised that this was the best decision I had ever made for my mental health, as this relationship was really toxic and harmful to my mental wellbeing, and I amazed myself at how strong I was to make and actually go through with this decision, given the headspace I was in at the time.

‘In what ways have you bounced back from a difficulty?’

Towards the end of my final year of university, my Grandma was taken ill and ended up in hospital, where we found out that she had stage 4 bowel cancer and was terminal. I was really close to my Grandma and this came as a complete shock, so I really struggled to come to terms with her diagnosis. She was given 3-4 months, but as I still had assessment deadlines, lectures and was just over a month away from my dissertation hand-in and final exams, I put a plan in place that would mean I could finish university and still get to spend as much of the time left as I could, with her. But all the best laid plans go awry… 3 weeks later, I received a phone call to say that she’d been taken into the hospice and now was the chance for everyone to come and say their goodbyes. I had to ask the university for an extension on my dissertation and to postpone taking my exams until the summer, so that I could travel back home and stay for the funeral. This was a really difficult time in my life and afterwards, I really struggled to find any motivation and to concentrate on finishing my studies, especially as I was only given an extra month to complete my dissertation. However, despite all of this, I managed to graduate from university with a 2:1 degree and I was even more ecstatic that I somehow managed to achieve a first in my dissertation paper.

After my mental breakdown back in the summer of 2017, my anxiety and depression were so severe, that I was pretty much housebound and therefore, unable to work. I was unemployed for just over a year in the end and during that time, due to long waiting lists, I’d only received a group CBT course and ‘counselling’ check ins at my doctors to help with my problems. If there was any way I was going to get better any sooner, I needed to do it myself so, using self help workbooks and reading books on mental health, I worked really hard on trying to understand my problems, break them down and find solutions to them, so that I could improve my mental wellbeing and get my life back on track. I was worried the more time I was out of work, the harder it would be to find employment again, but after applying to a local primary school and undergoing a gruelling hour and a half long, anxiety-fuelled interview, I was back working part-time as an LSA, five mornings a week.

‘What challenges have you overcome?’

• With mental illness, you overcome lots of mini-challenges with your mind pretty much everyday, and these can range from being able to get out of bed in the morning, to getting out of the house for a half hour walk or trip to the shop.
• Through exposure therapy, I was able to drastically reduce my anxiety and overcome my fear of public, crowded spaces and using public transport. I still struggle with this anxiety at times, but I’ve now got lots of strategies under my belt, to help me better cope in these situations.
• As I’ve previously said, my year abroad was not the best year of my life, but I managed to get myself through it and pass the year.
• I was bullied quite a bit at school for being conscientious and a bit of a perfectionist, but I chose not to let these people get to me and just focused on my studies, worked hard on achieving my goals and came out with high grades at each stage of my academic life.
• When I moved back in with my parents, I was pretty much at my lowest and had to pick myself back up and rebuild myself from square one again. I did it though and came out the other end a lot stronger for it, with lots of help ans support from friends, family and professionals along the way.
• I’m currently experiencing a slight relapse with my mental illness, which has resulted in me being signed off work for 2 months. Although I haven’t quite overcome this challenge as yet, I was able to notice the warning signs and seek professional help for the first time since moving here, which is a huge step for me to acknowledge and accept that I still need this support.

‘When have you been resourceful?’

Back when my mental illness was at its worse and I was waiting for treatment, I was reading every book I could find on mental health and using different self-help books, from CBT to mindfulness, to try and help improve my mental state by myself. I was doing lots of research into my condition as well, to better understand it and find strategies that worked for me, to help alleviate and cope with the symptoms of my mental illness. From this, I was able to put together my toolkit of coping strategies for when my anxiety or depression rears its ugly head, and I’m now a lot more self-aware, meaning I can normally notice my warning signs of a mental slump and put things in place to prevent it. Although this didn’t quite work with my recent relapse, I was able to call upon this previous resourcefulness, and am using some of the same self-help books and past therapy exercises to help me get back on track with my recovery.

Also, during this same period, I used ad hoc volunteering as a means to help rebuild some of my confidence and help with getting back into work.

‘Make a note below of what it was like for you to think about these experiences. What do you notice?’

Normally, I tend to think of all these experiences in a really negative light, as they were all really difficult periods of my life, with a lot of them ending up being the triggers that lead to my mental breakdown and the diagnosis of my mental illness. My automatic negative thought processes kick in when I think of challenges I’ve faced in the past or when one arises, that it’s hard to gain any kind of perspective on them in the moment and you automatically think you didn’t cope very well with it in the past, so you won’t be able to cope very well, if at all, with any difficulties now. It’s only when you reflect back on the challenges you faced, that you can see any of the positives or advantages of having been through them, or the fact that you overcame them at all!

This challenge has made me realise that although I don’t always feel it, I’m a more resilient person than I first thought and although I do struggle to constantly and consistently manage my mental illness and still experience daily challenges along with it, I have already made so much progress and come so, so far in my recovery, and I should be AM really proud of that. I may have faced a lot of challenges and difficulties throughout my life, but I have come out the other side still fighting and I’m definitely a much stronger person than I believe myself to be.

When have you shown resilience in your life? What difficulties/challenges have you overcome? Have you ever surprised yourself with how you’ve coped with past challenges? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so comment your answers below!

‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge Day #2- The Confident Future You

Photo Credit: Chloe Brotheridge

For yesterday’s challenge, I had to listen to Chloe’s ‘Confident Future You’ meditation clip, during which you are made to conjure an image of yourself at some point in the future and imagine that in this version of yourself, you are calm, confident and self-assured.

As Chloe says in her email: “There’s something incredibly inspiring about creating a strong image of ourselves, as we’d like to be. Many people that I speak to don’t know what they want, or how they’d like to be. How can you get somewhere if you don’t even know where that is? Being clear on how we’d like to feel, think and behave as our most confident selves makes it easier to get there. Doing this meditation creates a new blueprint in your subconscious mind, planting a seed of what’s possible for you and helping you to create it in your life for real.”

At first, I really struggled to get into this meditation- I felt really distracted and I think due to my current headspace with the thoughts I’ve been having recently, I found it really difficult to imagine myself as being a calm and confident person at any point in my future.

However, once I was able to truly let go and immerse myself into the guided meditation, I was picturing myself in all sorts of different scenarios and looking like a happier, lighter, brighter, more confident version of myself; it really was a powerful exercise!

‘What were the details that you noticed about your confident future self?’

I was smiling and laughing a lot more. I looked more relaxed, laidback and genuinely happy. It seemed like I was even standing taller and more comfortable in my own skin. I was able to better make my own decisions and seemed more confident in the choices I was making, not needing to ask others for their reassurance on what I was doing. I was a lot more self-assured in my current job role, as well as my future career plans.

‘What does your future self do, think, feel, say and experience?’

I imagined myself in lots of different scenarios and in different stages of my future.

I was still in my current role as a 1-1 LSA in a primary school, but I had finally decided on career path and was back at university part time retraining as well. Although I’m not quite sure what field that will be in yet, I had a clear path and plan for my future and was really happy and felt confident with the choice I had made.

My boyfriend will be happy with this one, as I could picture myself relaxed on a beach with him, finally able to kick my travel anxiety and venture abroad for a holiday together.

I was engaging in my hobbies more and doing more of the things I actually enjoy doing and that make me happy, rather than always doing things I or others think I should be doing. I was more assertive along with this, finally being able to say no to all the things that don’t nourish me and zap my energy. I was able to drop the guilty feeling that often comes with doing this and had learnt to be kinder on myself in the process.

Overall, I was feeling less anxious and worried about my future and was able to control my anxiety better to enjoy the present moments as well. I wasn’t overanalysing and overthinking every single little thing that I said or did and seemed more content, relaxed and happy in myself and in everything I was choosing to do.

‘What did it feel like to imagine this?’

I had this really warm feeling while I was imagining this future version of myself and brought me some peace, knowing that this could actually be me at some point. It was also quite exciting to imagine that these images could potentially be the more confident, future me!

However, after the meditation had finished and o started the workbook to reflect on the exercise, I started to feel a little deflated, as in my current headspace and my mental illness in its current state, this image of a brighter, calmer future me felt like a really distant version of myself and I can’t quite see yet how I am going to reach that point in my life at this moment.

I do feel quite hopeful though, after completing this activity. It is quite nice to feel that this image of a calm, confident and self-assured Sophie is out there somewhere, she’s not a completely unattainable version of myself; if I can imagine her, I can become her. So long as I continue to put the effort in and work hard to improve on myself and on my recovery journey, she can become my future reality…and that is pretty exciting and something to hold on for.

What do you imagine your future self to be? What do they do, think, feel, say and experience? How does it make you feel to imagine that future you? As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge Day #1- Mutual Admiration

Photo Credit: Chloe Brotheridge

For the first day’s challenge, I needed to reach out and ask people: ‘What are my 3 biggest strengths?’ and ‘What do you admire most about me?’

In the first instance, I decided I would just message my brother and sister and then ask my partner as soon as he got home, but then I realised I was choosing the easy way with this challenge. So instead, I posted the task on my social media stories and asked people to send me their answers in a message. Here’s my reflection on this challenge:

‘How did you feel before asking people and after you’d received their feedback?’

I really pushed myself out of my comfort zone with this challenge by posting it to my Instagram stories ( wasn’t quite brave enough to also share it to Facebook), so I felt incredibly anxious putting myself out there and asking people to compliment me- it felt completely icky! I am a MASSIVE people pleaser and care waaay too much about what others think of me, so I was really worried about the responses I would get back or that no one would be able to think of any positives for me.

However, when I started receiving some replies and people were saying such lovely things about me, I was really overwhelmed and actually started crying- happy tears though! It was really nice to find out that people are seeing all these good qualities in you, that you are constantly striving to be.

‘What are your key takeaways and learnings from the positive feedback you received?’

My first reflection on the feedback I received was that I am not actually a mind reader, I’m not psychic, and all those times my thoughts were telling me that people don’t like me anymore and will be thinking of me in a negative way, were completely fabricated by my anxiety and depression. Your mental illness tricks you and convinces you so often that you are worthless, that no one loves or cares about you and you are this horribly, awful person, that you really start to believe it about yourself, so receiving such lovely, positive feedback really helps to break through that noise and give you the perspective to be kinder about and to yourself, knowing that your mental illness is lying to you.

Your mental illness also makes you believe the thoughts about the way others perceive you. You try so hard to change their perspective by showing them all the good qualities you want to be known for and doing everything in your power to make others happy and please them. But the second lesson I’ve learnt from this exercise is, that’s totally unnecessary and a waste of my time and energy- I don’t need to always be trying so hard to please others and my worth doesn’t need to be found by looking for reassurance and validation from others. I now know that others are able to see the good in me, my better qualities and my strengths- I now need to work on recognising and celebrating the positives about myself, and start learning to love those great qualities I have and like myself a little bit more, just as I am.

‘Who did you reach out to and what did they say?’

Initially, I just messaged my brother and sister- my brother didn’t reply (typical!) and my sister said she would get back to me later in the week, so will edit once I hear back from her- but then I decided to take to Instagram and posted the challenge on my stories.

Response number 1 came from one of my cousins:

Strengths- you never give up; you’re smart and talented; and you’re funny.

What I admire most about you- you practically know all the words to ‘The Lion King’ 😂 (it is a very special talent of mine haha!) (…also, best movie ever made!)

Response number 2 came from my other cousin, her brother:

Strengths- you’re hardworking; your creativity (which came as a surprise, because I don’t really see myself as being very creative, but we were always baking and doing different arts and crafts, when he came over to visit); and being nice.

What I admire most about you- your generosity.

Response number 3 came from my best friend:

Strengths- you’re intelligent; you’re kind; and you’re supportive.

What I most admire about you- your courage and motivation. You have no idea how far you have come and I think that needs to be said ♥️♥️ (this was the reply that made me cry!)

Response number 4 came from my boyfriend/bestie:

Strengths- you’re good at planning…well you make a lot of lists; you’re intelligent; you’re very eloquent.

What I admire most about you- you have really good empathy.

So I now challenge you: what do you feel are your biggest strengths? What quality or talent do you like most about yourself? Or maybe you could message someone and brighten their day, by letting them know what you think their strengths are and what you admire most about them? Let me know your responses in the comments!

‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge

While scrolling my social media feeds the other week, I came across a challenge course, set up by Chloe Brotheridge, running this week, to help build confidence and self-esteem. I loved her book ‘The Anxiety Solution’ and her newer book ‘Brave New Girl’ is one I’m also definitely going to be buying now, so after clicking the link and having a look through the details, I bit the bullet, as anxious and ‘out of my comfort zone’ as I felt, and thought I would give the challenge a try, so signed up to take part.

Photo credit: Chloe Brotheridge

I decided to get involved with this particular course, as I have always suffered from incredibly low self-esteem and my confidence has really been knocked in recent years, due to the increase in severity (leading to the diagnosis) of my mental illness. I have also been experiencing a relapse over the past few months, where I have found myself slipping back into some of my bad old habits and ways of thinking, depending more on certain people for reassurance, isolating myself from and cancelling plans on others and playing that horrible social media comparison game.

On this course, for every day this week, you receive an email with a challenge that aims to help work on building your confidence, along with a workbook filled with questions to reflect on the exercise you have just completed.

I’m hoping that by the end of the week, I’ll start feeling a little less anxious, that bit more confident, and seeing a slightly brighter future for myself, where I can learn to be kinder on myself, stop doubting/second guessing myself, stop overanalysing/overthinking every little action I do or thing I say, and be more confident with solving problems myself and in the choices/decisions I make- a genuinely happy, more relaxed version of myself.

I am a little late in writing/posting this as I’ve just completed day 2, but stay tuned to see how I get on with each of the challenges this week!

Guess Who’s Back…

*drumroll*…it’s me! Back on the blogging scene once more!

It’s been almost TWO YEARS since I published my last post, which marked the end of my mini-series focusing on Mental Health Awareness Week back in May of 2018, and while I know I don’t really owe any justifications for “abandoning” my blog, I feel it’s important for me explain the reason why I took this hiatus. I stopped blogging after that series because, although blogging truly was (and hopefully still is/will be) a valuable outlet for me to talk openly and honestly about my mental illness and recovery, the strain of feeling like I had to create so much content in the space of that week to raise awareness, took all the enjoyment out of writing for me and actually came at the detriment to my own mental health- ironic, huh!? I was focusing too much on what and when I *should* be writing, making it feel more like a chore- with, weirdly, a lot of the pressure to post coming from my anxious, overthinking brain- but this just wasn’t the reason I started this blog in the first place. Of course I will still join in with these conversations and use this platform on awareness days/weeks/months, but I’m not going to burn myself out again and lose that pleasure and the benefits I gain from blogging, just to create content that others and myself feel I *should* be making as a mental health blogger. If any of that makes any sense at all!

So I’m going to get back to using this invaluable space, as the means of self care and a potentially useful/comforting site for others that I set it up to be, just with clearer and more defined boundaries on how often I am posting, the content of my posts and the reasons why I’m choosing to publish a post in the first place.

Now, brace yourselves for the riveting updates on everything you’ve missed out on in these last, pretty tumultuous, couple of years and my recovery journey as it continues. Watch this space.

[TW] Mental Health Awareness Week: An Important Final Message

I was going to upload this post yesterday along with my recommendations, but felt it would be more poignant to wait until today. Because, although Mental Health Awareness Week drew to close yesterday, this does not mean that mental health should now be forgotten about until next year.

Campaigns like these are great at increasing understanding of mental illnesses and raising awareness of how important it is to look after your mental wellbeing, so I do completely support them. I think it’s wonderful that they create conversations about mental health, are able to get people sharing their personal stories and get more people championing and supporting those with mental illness.

However, for those of us living with a mental illness, this is something we have to experience day in, day out; it doesn’t just disappear after a week. We need support and understanding every day of the year, not just during the campaign week. So if you know someone who is struggling with their mental health, please please please don’t suddenly disappear on them now MHAW is done; keep checking in on them and keep supporting them throughout their journey, because they still desperately need you in their corner. It’s also really important to keep the conversation going; only by speaking out and opening up about our own battles, can we really start to break down the stigma surrounding mental health and make real, significant change.

And finally, awareness is all well and good, but if people can’t access or are having to wait months to receive any decent help from mental health services, nothing is really going to change. They are so overstretched and underfunded, they simply don’t have the resources to see people straightaway. Just to give you a better understanding of what we face when we do reach out for help, these are some of my personal experiences.

I had to wait 7 months for an initial counselling appointment that in the end, never happened, as I had moved back home.

Just before this, I was in A&E due to an overdose attempt. I had to wait for almost an hour to be seen. I was then met by tired and overworked nurses, who seemed really cold towards me (this might have just been me reading too much into it in my fragile state). I was left with my ex-partner in a room for hours on end (we got there around 5pm and didn’t leave until almost midnight) without any updates or being checked in on. They lost my bloodwork and had to take it again. I was discharged without seeing anyone from the psych team and told to go to my GP and get them to support me with it.

After re-referring for counselling back home and having an initial telephone assessment, I was bounced back to my GP due to the severity of my illness. During this time, I was on medication that didn’t work and even after speaking to the GP about it, she was happy to leave me on these for 3-4 weeks, despite my recent suicide attempt and expressing how depressed I felt and further thoughts of suicide.

I have started counselling sessions now, 9 months after diagnosis, but he basically told me today that he is just waiting to be able to pass me back to the time to talk service, so these sessions are just check ins rather than therapy.

I have been trying so desperately hard to get the help I know I need, but I’ve met so many obstacles, been pushed from pillar to post and had to wait ridiculous amounts of time to just be assessed! And I’m not alone this either.

Politicians and society as a whole, need to start taking mental health as seriously as they do physical health; they go hand in hand after all. Policies need to change, more funding needs to be pumped into these services and more training needs to be in place for those who have to deal with mental health crises, for there to be any significant improvements made.

So while raising awareness for a week is great in starting these conversations and increasing people’s understanding of mental illness, it is vital for everyone to keep talking, keep sharing, keep supporting and keep speaking up to fight the stigma and push for positive change in mental health services, not just on campaign week, but every week of the year.

Mental Health Awareness Week: My List of Recommendations

BOOKS:

Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig

Probably the most important book I’ve read on mental health and one I think everyone should read, regardless of whether they have a mental illness or not (it’s probably even more important to read if you don’t). Haig gives a really honest account of his battle with anxiety and depression, starting from the breakdown in his early twenties. It is written in a very relaxed and open way, with the chapters bouncing between stories from his toughest times, uplifting anecdotes, general thoughts about mental illness, lists of things that have and haven’t helped him, conversations with his past and future self…the list goes on! It was also so relatable, it felt as though Haig was writing about my life! It helped me to better understand and process what was going on in my own head, and made me realise that there are actually other people out there who think and feel the way I do. It gives you hope that even in your darkest of times, recovery is possible. Definitely a must read!

Happy by Fearne Cotton

I could not put this book down. Literally. So much so, that when I was forced to go to the gym, I took it with me and opted for a sit down, easy exercise on the bikes, just so I could keep reading it! In her book, Fearne opens up and is really honest about her own struggles with depression. She touches on how important happiness is to our mental wellbeing and things that she does to help cope with the bad days. She is so relatable throughout and really hits the nail on the head with each sub-topic she writes about. For me, the sections on social media and past memories really hit home and I found myself really relating to her thoughts on these, on a personal level. She includes lots of activities throughout the book as well, which engage you to gauge your emotions in the present moment and to really dig deep into what makes happiness means to you. An overall brilliant read!

Frazzled by Ruby Wax

This is a great, practical guide all about mindfulness. Wax offers her witty take on the science behind it all and how you can fit it easily into your daily life. It is really easy to digest and covers so much depth and breadth on the topic, making it accessible for all. She also gives her own six week mindfulness course. Each week is broken down into an explanation of the mindfulness technique, thoughts to consider while you are doing and as a reflection on the task and a ‘homework’ to complete for that week. She provides a range of different techniques to practise and it has really helped me to find which ones work best for me. This has been a wonderful aid in quieting my frantic, noisy mind and reminding me to take some time out each day, to find a sense of calm in all the commotion.

The Self-Care Project by Jayne Hardy

The Blurt Foundation website has been one of my go-to resources for their useful advice and support on my bad days, so when I saw that they had written a book, I just had to buy it. And I was not disappointed. In the book, Jayne explains what self-care is, why it is important, how to prioritise it and overcome obstacles to it and how to get the most out of your self-care activities. She writes in a really informal, friendly tone, which makes her really relatable and down to earth. The advice is really useful and she provides lots of exercises and activities along the way that help you delve into and answer the question ‘who am I?’ and find out what makes you tick, so that you are able to customise your self-care routines to work best for you. There are even emergency lists of simple self-care activities that are really quick and easy to fit into your day, when you’re particularly frazzled. A very useful resource for learning to look after yourself.

Overcome Anxiety by Dr Matt Lewis

This book has helped me gain a better understanding of what is actually happening in my brain during times of panic and has also provided me loads of useful techniques to help me cope better when panic arises. The book is split into short, easy to read chapters, which is great if your concentration doesn’t last for very long, like mine! There are quick, simple exercises to practise throughout the book and these are broken down into simple, easy to follow steps, which are really effective in helping to reduce and deal with anxious thoughts, uncomfortable feelings and panic attacks. This book is always in my bag when I go out now, ready for if or when anxiety strikes.

Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon

I am only about halfway through this book so far, but I am really enjoying it. Gordon talks so candidly about her OCD and depression, sharing all the ups and downs of her mental health journey since her teenage years, with warmth and humour. She pinpoints the main areas in her life where she showed signs and symptoms of mental ill health and opens up about all her thoughts and feelings at these times in brutally honest detail. It’s been a really gripping read so far.

The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer

This was a captivating read from the start. Filer takes on some really heavy and challenging themes in this novel, but manages to skilfully and convincingly pull them off. It tells the story of a teenage boy dealing with the death of his younger disabled brother when they were both children, how he comes to terms with his guilt and grief and his descent into mental illness. It is written from the viewpoint of the main protagonist, giving a compelling insight into what living with schizophrenia must be like. It is heart-wrenching and funny all at once; a really powerful and poignant story.

Still Yet To Be Read…

• Calm by Fearne Cotton
• It’s All in Your Head by Rae Earl
• How to Survive the End of the World by Aaron Gillies
• A Beginner’s Guide to Losing Your Mind by Emily Reynolds
• Sane New World by Ruby Wax

 

PODCASTS:

Pressing Pause by Gabrielle Treanor 

This podcast series has been made for over thinkers and over worriers, but I personally think the techniques given could be useful in other areas of mental health too. Each episode focuses on a different issue and is roughly 10 minutes long, which makes them very easy to fit into your day or to revisit as and when you need help with a particular issue. They are jam-packed with useful advice on how to worry less and exercises to help calm your mind when worrisome thoughts appear. I downloaded these to listen to whilst on public transport, as this is something that makes me very anxious, but I found her suggestions and soothing voice really effective in keeping me calm on the journey.

 

Happy Place by Fearne Cotton

I have only listened to a couple of these, but I have found this show really insightful and warming. In each episode, Fearne talks, with real compassion and understanding, to a new guest about some pretty sensitive issues and it’s very inspiring to hear how people have managed to work through these in their lives. There’s a very casual and conversational style to each chat, which makes them really easy and enjoyable to listen to. The only downside to this series is that the episodes are quite long and can last up to 50 minutes, so they can be quite difficult to fit easily into your day. But would highly recommend a listen; a great variety of guests involved and lots of interesting topics discussed.

Still Yet To Be Listened To…

• All in the Mind by BBC Radio 4
• Mad World by Bryony Gordon
• The Hilarious World of Depression by American Public Media
• Everybody Blurts by The Blurt Foundation

[TW] Mental Health Awareness Week: Why the Stigma Needs to STOP.

Although conversations on mental health have been opening up and society has come along in its treatment of those with mental illness, there is still a long way to go in making meaningful change and breaking down the stigma attached to the topic.

Now, for this post, I am not going to give you a generic overview of stigma and how it’s damaging; instead, I’ve decided to make it personal. This was a really difficult post to write, as I talk about some dark and difficult areas of my illness that I don’t ever really talk about, and it ended up being quite triggering for me, especially as I have struggled quite badly with my mental health this week. But nonetheless, it is personal stories and opening up about the more difficult periods that help in the fight for mental health to be taken more seriously and for the stigma to end.

So what will now follow are specific times in my life, spanning from my childhood up until now, where I can now recognise I showed signs of mental ill health or was struggling. Each of these times, stigma ended up clouding my judgement of what was happening, so that it either stopped me from sharing my thoughts/feelings completely, or became the barrier to me seeking help.

Growing up, my daddy worked as a chauffeur, driving company clients around, often to and from airports at pretty unsociable hours. And this made me anxious. Really anxious. I kept picturing him ending up in a car crash, the police arriving at our doorstep informing us that he didn’t survive. Any new stories of crashes I heard on the radio would fill me with this overwhelming sense of dread, as I convinced myself over and over that he was definitely involved and again. I would even have really vivid and distressing nightmares. The worst one I remember was of my daddy being decapitated, as he ended up driving under a lorry, scraping the top of his car clean off. I would wake up in a panic every time, hyperventilating and in tears. I worked myself up into panics every time my mum was late home from picking my siblings up from school too. I automatically assumed the worst and would pace through the living room and dining room, heart hammering, breath quickening, just waiting for the phone call or knock at the door. I would only settle when I finally saw the car pulling into the drive. I obsessively worried about these things, so much and so often, I became consumed by the thought that I was going to lose my family in horrible accidents. But I kept all this to myself, because I was even more worried about the reaction this would get. I felt like I would be ridiculed for even thinking such exaggeration and nonsense, that it would be brushed off as silliness and over imagination, that people would think I was a complete whack job. I was so afraid of having my feelings dismissed, being laughed at and labelled a drama queen that I decided to just keep quiet about it all.

After the 9/11 and July 7 terrorist attacks, my mind was again running at a million miles a minute. I kept over-worrying about me and my loved ones being caught up in an attack. I kept picturing planes exploding above our heads, the debris picking us off one by one. Anytime I was on public transport, I panicked, thinking at any moment now, a bomb was going to go off. I would imagine scenarios where planes flew into my school, our village was bombed and terrorists stormed our house and took my family hostage. I still to this day, have panic attacks about terrorism. I was caught one evening, after a particularly overwhelming episode, crying in the bathroom (it was the only place for privacy in the house; I’m one of four and shared a room with my two sisters). When I opened up about what I was so worked up about, I was told I was being ridiculous and silly. Yes, they were probably right; Lower Beeding, a small village in the middle of nowhere, isn’t exactly a hot target for terrorist attacks, but you try reasoning with an over-anxious mind! I was just left feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of an idiot. I never dared express my worries after that.

My Grandad passed away when I was 10 years old and it was all pretty sudden. We’d always been close to my grandparents, so it hit me pretty hard and if I’m honest, even now, I don’t think I’ve fully dealt with it. A couple of months later, I had been thinking about him and was on my bed, sobbing pretty uncontrollably. When asked what the matter was, I was then confronted with ‘Really? You’re still getting upset about that?’. When I became upset in school on the first anniversary, I was told that I needed to get over it, it happened ages ago and anytime I felt myself welling up, it was met with ‘oh god, not again’. I was basically being told to man up and shut up; I was being too emotional, too sensitive. So I just bottled my feelings up. And when it came to 2015 and my Grandma was diagnosed with and subsequently passed away from cancer completely out of the blue, I never let on to anyone just how much I struggled to cope. I desperately needed help both throughout this period and the years after, but I said nothing. I feared people would think I was being weak yet again and I knew I couldn’t handle being shut down this time around.

During my adolescence, I experienced terrible lows and spells of anger and irritability. I would explode over the littlest things and end up dissolving into a flood of tears. It was all just written off though. I was a sensitive person. I was just a typical teenager going through puberty. Or it was joked about: ‘it’s clearly someone’s time of the month!’ So I always thought my mood swings were normal- clearly just part and parcel of being an overly sensitive woman!

This last part is the most difficult for me to talk about, as I still don’t feel completely ready to fully open up about it in detail. It’s important that I mention it briefly here though, so that I can properly explain my point.

I was bullied quite a bit during my school years, which affected my mood, my self-esteem, my self-confidence, my self-worth and I started thinking the same, and much worse, about myself. There just didn’t seem to be any escape from noise, not in school or in my own head, and I couldn’t take it anymore. These self-derogatory thoughts became so overwhelming that I decided I’d had enough and made an attempt on my own life. I didn’t tell anyone.

After my Grandma passed away in 2015, I really, really struggled. We were really close and her death hit me really hard. I didn’t know how to cope or work through losing her, especially in the way we did and with how quickly it all happened. One of the ways I tried to deal with it, was to drink myself into a stupor. I went and got absolutely smashed every weekend, in an attempt to numb the pain and forget about it all for a while. The problem with this though, was that I never wanted to go home, because I never wanted the night to end, because then the day would come around and I would be hit with the reality all over again. When we eventually got home, I would always get very emotional and into an argument with my ex-partner. As I was already feeling extremely depressed on a daily basis, these arguments tipped me over the edge every time, as they left me feeling so isolated and alone. I felt so low about myself and so low about life, I couldn’t take feeling this way all the time anymore, so I took an overdose. I did this after five separate nights out. I didn’t tell anyone; my ex-partner was the only one who knew.

I never opened up about any of these attempts to anyone when they happened and I didn’t even try to seek any help. I brushed them off and justified them every time: I was just having a bad day, I was really emotional, I’m just going through a tough time right now, I was really drunk. I knew it wasn’t normal behaviour, but yet I still didn’t reach out. Why? ‘Suicide is the coward’s way out’, ‘Suicide is selfish’, ‘Suicide is just a way of attention-seeking’. I didn’t say anything because I was scared. I was scared of the reaction from my friends and family. Scared that they would be angry with me. Scared I would be judged as weak, selfish and attention-seeking. So I never reached out or sought help once, even though I had actually taken steps to end my own life.

Because of stigma, I felt like admitting I needed help, was admitting I was weak and a failure. This is why it took me years to just acknowledge that I was struggling with my mental health. Even after accepting this, it still took me months to pluck up the courage to seek professional help. I was worried the doctor wouldn’t take me seriously and would simply dismiss my thoughts and feelings, as had happened so often in the past. I was then worried about having to tell people. Those who are mentally ill are so often portrayed as mad, crazy, dangerous, psycho, I was so worried that was how my friends and family would think of me. I was worried they would end up treating me differently, seeing me as weak, fragile and unstable.

Although I have been really lucky and had really positive, supportive reactions from friends, family and medical professionals since being and open about my mental health, I know that this might not always be the case with everyone I meet. For example, I am currently not able to work due to my mental illness and have been out of work since being diagnosed last August. So when it finally comes round to applying for jobs, there will be a pretty massive gap in my employment history. If I’d gone away on a gap year, there wouldn’t be a problem, but taking a mental health break seems to be a red flag for employers. If I am honest with them about my mental illness, will the stigma attached to it affect my chances of a successful interview?

Stigma stopped me from seeking the help I clearly desperately needed and played a part in almost ending my life on several occasions. The worst part though, is that I am not alone in feeling like this. Many, if not all, of those who have experienced a mental illness, have gone through a similar thing. And there are probably still people out there, who are yet to be diagnosed, because the fear of stigmatisation is preventing them from reaching out for support.

Stigma is not only risking people’s mental wellbeing, it’s putting their lives at risk too. And this needs to stop. Now.