‘Brave New You’ Confidence Challenge Day #4- Turn Self-Criticism into Self-Compassion

Photo Credit: Chloe Brotheridge

Yesterday’s challenge was a really tricky one to complete, as I struggled to even get past the first part of the exercise, where I had to write down everything my inner critic said to me throughout the day. It really started to get to me, because once I started listening to her, I was so tuned into that brainwave frequency, I became stuck in my own head and ended up completely spiralling. I became so bogged down in everything she was telling me, it became almost impossible to shut her up and I even started to really believe some of things she was saying (I don’t think it helped that I woke up in a pretty bad headspace this morning, so she was already pretty vocal from the word go!) Once you get drawn in by that inner critical voice, it becomes so incredibly hard to shut them back out again.

So, I ended up in a very messy puddle of tears on the sofa for most of the afternoon, but eventually, I managed to get my butt upstairs and into the shower, whacking my Disney playlist on full blast to drown her out for a bit. Although singing and dancing my little heart out really helped to perk me up and washing away some of those thoughts/feelings made me feel a bit fresher, I decided that I needed to take a step back from the challenge for my own sanity, which is why I’m a day late in posting this, as I just could not gain the right perspective yesterday to complete the second part of the challenge- to write back to that inner critic as if it were a good friend talking to you.

In her email, Chloe relays the significance of our inner monologue and how it can really impact on our mood, motivation, activity and self-esteem:

“How we speak to ourselves has so much importance in our lives:

It’s the difference between holding ourselves back because of fear, or giving things a try.

Between giving up if we’ve failed, or getting up and giving it another go.

Between staying at home because we don’t feel worthy, and going out with our head held high.

Being self-compassionate gives you the motivation to do the things that you want to do. It means you recover more quickly from setbacks. And it gives you a kind of ease that means you can truly be yourself.

Self compassion allows you to do more and have more fun doing it – because when you’re kind to yourself, life is easier and happier.”

I feel that this is best summed up with one of my favourite quotes, by the very wise Roald Dahl, from his book ‘The Twits’: “If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” This doesn’t just mean having good thoughts about others- it’s referring to being kind about yourself as well. It shows that if you can be more self-compassionate and make that inner voice more positive about yourself, all that beauty inside you will be radiated out and be visible in the way you present/hold yourself, in your activity, your motivation, your expression, etc. This positive mindset therefore manifests a lighter, brighter, happier, more self-assured version of yourself, making you more relaxed and allowing yourself to be, unashamedly and unapologetically, YOU!

‘Write down everything that the inner critic says to you today.’

1. Literally as soon as I woke this morning- ‘It’s already half 10 and you’re still not out of bed! You’re so lazy, how do you expect to get better, when you waste half the day in bed!? You’re not going to get anything done today now.’
2. ‘It’s so nice outside today and you’re just going to waste it away in here!? You should be enjoying the sunshine instead of just sitting here, moping around all day, you really are so lazy.’
3. Then literally in the next breath- ‘Wait, you’re actually thinking of going outside? Really, are you that stupid? You won’t cope out there, everyone will be looking at you and know something’s wrong with you.’
4. ‘What is wrong with you? What are you actually crying about? You’re fucking crazy! There’s no reason for you to be feeling like this, just snap out of it. You’re pathetic.’
5. ‘There are so many people worse off than you- do you even realise how good you’ve got things and how privileged you actually are!? You are a complete fraud and don’t deserve any help or support.’
6. ‘I don’t know how Rob (my boyfriend) puts up with you. You are so selfish, causing all this extra stress and worry for him, on top of his own problems. You don’t deserve him, you’re not and never will be good enough for him. You are just such a burden.’
7. ‘No one gives a shit about you, how could they? Just look at you! You’re disgusting and worthless. How could anyone possibly love you when you’re like this?’
8. ‘You are a complete failure, you can’t even finish this challenge without falling to pieces!’

This list isn’t even half the abuse my inner monologue was hurling at me yesterday, but as I said previously, I had to take a step back from the challenge for my own mental wellbeing, as I had spiralled down into my dark place and the intrusive thoughts were starting to kick in.

‘Now, write back to the inner critic from the perspective of a good friend. What would a good friend say about this? How would they support, reassure and encourage you?

I’m really glad that I decided to start drafting this post yesterday and came back to type up all those thoughts that my inner critic had about me, last night. It’s meant that I’ve been able to sit down this morning and just tell myself, ‘you’ve just been sent these messages from your best friend, who says she’s been having these thoughts about herself lately. What do you reply back?’, which has miraculously, actually worked. It’s allowed me to distance myself from my own thoughts enough, that I haven’t become weighed down by their negativity, and so have been able to get some perspective on them. I know this isn’t quite what the challenge asked me to do, but it’s the only way I’ve been able to complete it this time around (and at least I have completed it!). Hopefully though, with lots of practice, I will get better at being able to put my thoughts through the friend filter, as soon as they pop into my head, to stop them in their tracks and from taking complete control.

1. It’s ok to have lie ins from time to time, especially as you’re not sleeping well at the moment with the changes to your medication- this does not make you lazy! You had a very restless night, so you obviously needed that sleep to recuperate. You were listening to your body and giving it what it needed.
2. Getting some fresh air and sunshine might help to pick your mood up a little bit, even if that’s just to sit outside in the garden for 10 minutes, but if that feels too much for you today, then you don’t need to do it. It is not a waste of your day to spend it inside- we all need to take a day from time to time for our mental wellbeing. Everyday, our best can look completely different, so just think about how many spoons you have for today and whether you have enough to spend on the energy it would take to go outside. If not, then it’s better to be resting to restock your supply, ready to use for next week’s plans. Plus, you’ve already been out the house and interacting with others everyday this week, and you’ve video-chatted with your little niece, mum and dad this morning, so you definitely deserve a rest day.
3. People aren’t mind-readers, they definitely cannot see into your head, and they are so wrapped up in what they need to do that, in the nicest way possible, they probably won’t even notice you’re there (in the good way haha!). Think about times you’ve been out in busy places before- have you been looking at other people? Did you know what they’re thinking/feeling? No, because you’re too busy with your own thoughts, feelings, to do list, etc. It’s the same for everybody else. Just take some deep breaths and repeat your mantra, ‘You are calm. You are capable. You are confident. You can do this.’
4. There is nothing wrong you. Sometimes, we might feel a certain way but can’t quite put our finger on why and that’s ok, your feelings are still completely valid. You’re not pathetic for crying- it’s a normal human emotion and everybody does it! It can be really cathartic to have a good old cry, as it helps to release all that pent up emotion and get rid of all those horrible feelings. The more you fight it and berate yourself for feeling this way, the worse it will become, so as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to try and accept those feelings, allow yourself to feel them and just sit with them for a while; you’ll find that they will pass a lot quicker this way.
5. You were medically diagnosed with anxiety and depression by your doctor and you’ve just seen a mental health professional, who is signposting you on for further support and to see a psychiatrist, none of which would have happened, if they didn’t believe you were showing symptoms of these mental illnesses. You are not a fraud, you have an illness, and you do not need to compare yourself to others. Mental illness affects people from all walks of life and everyone you meet will be at different points in their journey, so it’s very difficult to play the comparison game, when everyone’s experience is different. Think, if this was a physical illness and you had stage 1 cancer, you would still expect to receive treatment for it, the same as someone who has stage 4. Just because it might seem like someone has it worse than you, does not negate or discount your own pain; you are still worthy of help and entitled to get that support.
6. You are always enough, just as you are. He chose to be with you, because he loves you and wants to be with you, just as you are. He might be stressed as well at the moment, but he would want you to be open with him, so that he can be there to help support you through this tough patch. That’s not being selfish- you’re simply unwell and need some support to get you through it, and that’s what a partner is there to do, for better or worse. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you feel this way about Rob? Would he be a burden to you? Would he be unworthy of your love and support? That resounding and resolute ‘no’ is exactly the same for you.
7. You have so many people in your life who love and care about you. You have received so much love, support and kindness from family, friends and colleagues, who have all sent you their best wishes in your recovery. They are all thinking of you, as they keep checking in with you, to make sure you’re doing ok. You are cared for, loved and worthy of being cared for and loved, no matter what.
8. One setback doesn’t equate to you being a failure- your worth isn’t measured by what you achieve or are able to do. And just because you haven’t been able to complete something straightaway, doesn’t mean you have failed it. You have given the challenge a go and tried your absolute hardest for today, which is all that can be asked of you. You are human and allowed to make mistakes and have setbacks- that’s how we learn and improve for next time. The more these thoughts go unchecked, the more likely they are to take hold and have control over you, but now you know this is something you find challenging, it’s also something you can change. You now have a strategy to work on, that can help you to bounce back quicker and more easily from these challenges in future, and to improve your resilience and self-confidence. Be gentle with yourself, you’re still learning and growing on your recovery journey.

‘How do you feel having done this process?’

Looking back on my thoughts this morning, I was actually really shocked at how vile I am to myself and the sheer number of these thoughts I’m having each day. It’s quite scary, as they are on complete autopilot, so she is constantly there, in the background of my mind, hurling this abuse at me. As I tend to just try to ignore her or distract myself to drown out the noise, nobody’s actually pulling her up on what she’s saying, so all these negative thoughts I have about myself, are going unchecked. Some days, this voice is a lot louder than others and so, on these days, the thoughts take hold more easily and completely affect my mood, motivation and activity. Also, I find I have a problem with confronting these thoughts, as my inner critic is a massive backchatter, meaning I start having an argument with my own mind. She easily wins these every time, as she is always able to shoot down or find a reason for my comebacks, disarming me and convincing me round to her way of thinking. It is nigh on impossible to rationalise these thoughts, so it becomes a constant battle- and it is absolutely exhausting.

I always wish that I could actually practise what I preach and show myself the same kindness I so willingly and easily give to others. I wouldn’t ever dream of saying these things to anyone else, so why do I think it’s acceptable to speak to myself this way? Although I really struggled with this process of using the ‘friend filter’ in the moment, it has shone a light on how big a problem this negative self-talk is for me and it really needs to change, if I am ever going to attain that calm, confident and self-assured future version of myself, that I imagined back on day 2 of this challenge.

As with all bad habits, it is going to take some time and effort to break out of these old thinking patterns, but I now have a strategy I can work to improve on, that will help deal with this problem. I’m hoping that with lots of practice, viewing my inner critic through the eyes of a good friend will become a natural, automatic response to these thoughts, stopping them from taking control of me and changing the way in which I perceive myself. I’m hoping that with lots of practice, I can start to turn that self-criticism into self-compassion and learn to love myself a little bit more.

What would you say back to your inner critic? Do you put your thoughts through the friend filter? What other techniques do you find help quiet that noise in your head?