Pre-Therapy Jitters

So I finally have my first counselling appointment tomorrow! And boy, has it been a long road to finally get just this initial meeting…

When I was diagnosed back at the end of August last year, I was referred to the Primary Counselling Service at my old GP surgery back in Cardiff. However, the waiting list was so long, I had to wait 7 months and had to chase the referral up three times, before I was even booked in for a preliminary assessment. It was great news, even if I was feeling pretty nervous about it, as I was finally getting the help I desperately needed at this point.

The appointment was due to take place on 2^nd March this year, but by the end of February, things had all taken a turn for the worse with my mental health and in my personal life too, and at that point, I had made the decision to move back home with my parents. I still attended the session to discuss my options and see if there was a chance that I could just transfer the counselling to my GP in West Sussex, but this wasn’t possible and I instead had to go back through the system with my new GP surgery. This really knocked me, as it had already taken so long to get anywhere with the service in Cardiff and I felt desperate to start getting more help and support; I really couldn’t wait another 7 months!

So after moving back home, one of the first things I did, was to register back at the doctor’s surgery, book an appointment and get my new GP to refer me to their counselling service, hoping the whole time the process could be sped up. Their first available appointment wasn’t until the beginning of April and although I conceded and booked myself in for it, I became so low, I had to call for an emergency appointment towards the end of March, as it just became too long a wait. I was given details to self-refer to the ‘Time to Talk’ team and after filling in their online form, I received a questionnaire through the post to complete prior to my telephone assessment on 18^th April. I was feeling really optimistic and very relieved, as it seemed I wouldn’t have to wait too much longer to be seen by a professional; the process was much quicker this time around.

Then came the actual appointment. The call started with her asking for my details, before we moved on to my answers from the questionnaire. The first section was the PHQ-9 (‘over the last 2 weeks, how often have you been bothered by any of the following problems?’), so I just had to relay the number I had circled for each statement. All was going well, until I reached the final statement: ‘Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way’. For this, I had circled 1- ‘several days’. At this point, due to the nature of my thoughts and the fact I couldn’t say with certainty I wouldn’t act on them, she stopped the assessment and went off to speak with her supervisor. When she came back, she told that she would not be continuing with this session, as there was no telling if something further on in the assessment would trigger me and she could not guarantee my safety. She told me she would be contacting my GP to inform them of the situation and that I should book an emergency appointment to get an ATS assessment and to put a safety plan in place for me.

When the call ended, I was in full on panic mode. I could tell the woman was pretty worried about my safety and she made me feel as though I was a danger to myself. I told my mum everything and then was straight back on the phone to the surgery. They gave me an appointment for 4pm that day, before hurriedly calling me back, telling me that they had moved things around and I would now be seen as soon as possible. Panic attack had fully set in at this point. My mind was racing; my whole body was shaking.

When I arrived at the surgery, I was taken into the GP’s office pretty much straight away. She was so lovely and managed to calm me down somewhat, before I explained the morning’s mayhem. She then wanted to know more on the background of my case, so I walked her briefly through everything that had happened since my diagnosis, right up to my current living situation, the things I was doing on a daily basis and the support I now had back home. Having questioned me fully and gained a proper insight into my current circumstances, she assured me that she did not believe I was a risk to myself and I had enough support around me to ensure I would not be able to act upon any of the thoughts I had had; I was in a safe environment. Once she was satisfied with this, we discussed my next steps. The ‘Time to Talk’ team was likely to simply bounce me back to the GP again, so instead she referred me to ‘Springvale’, which is part of the Sussex Partnership NHS service.

Fast forward to Friday just gone, when I received a call from one of their team members, asking if I was available to meet with them at my doctor’s surgery on Monday and now, I officially have my first proper counselling appointment at midday tomorrow.

I have been really relieved, knowing that I will finally now be getting the professional help I’ve been waiting 9 months for, but at the same time I could not be more anxious about tomorrow’s session. It’s the anxiety of not knowing what to expect, not knowing who I’ll be meeting, not knowing what they will ask me. I have that feeling, like when you’ve waited for something for so long, and then when you finally get it, you’re not actually really sure if it’s what you wanted at all. I have never been great at talking about my feelings and the only other time I have had counselling was a complete disaster (I said very little, burst into tears and after one session, I never went back). I know this will be good for me, or more I hope this will be good for me, it’s just getting over this initial fear of therapy, pushing through the anxiety to get the help I need. And knowing that to make the most out of it, I need to go into this with an open mind, be as honest as I can and engage with it fully. And that terrifies me. I just hope that this will be a turning point in my recovery and that the wait will have been worth it.

I’m trying not to pin all my hopes on this working though, in case talking therapy just isn’t the right route for me. As I say, I am so unbelievably bad at opening up, this could be a complete waste of everyone’s time. But even if I’m not able to talk through my feelings or the events that have triggered my anxiety and depression, I hope I can at least gain some strategies and techniques to better cope with my illness and that these will aid my recovery. Fingers crossed!

 

Have you tried counselling/therapy? Did it work for you? What have you learnt from your sessions? Is there anything you wish you had known before you started? As always, let me know in the comments below!